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News from the Far Side

August 18 2008

Wales' Kiwi Head Coach Warren Gatland has called for the WRU to introduce a fifth Welsh rugby region. At the same time, the NZRU has decided to cull two teams from the Air NZ Cup. Coincidence? Think again....da da da dum!

Never far from unearthing the truth behind so-called coincidences, NFS's crack team of investigators has been at it again.

Gatland has been calling from the reduction of foreign players in Welsh team's all season. But our investigations have relieved that Gatland's apparently xenophobic appeals have been nothing more than a smokescreen for a Kiwi invasion of Wales.

With Wales fast approaching an overpopulation of New Zealanders, Gatland and his cronies at the of the other side of the world have conspired to facilitate the return to the British Isles of hundreds of descendents of Welsh settlers down-under Down Under.

"Mate, these boys over here can really sing. I reckon if we can teach 'em some haka dancing skills, we can put on a real show!" NFS bugs placed in Gatland's office heard him say to an unknown correspondent.

"If they don't have contracts, we can get 'em cheapo. Just close down those farmer teams and we'll move in and bring 'em over by the boatload.

"We don't even have to find 'em places in teams, I've convinced the suits over here to open a new region. This place has got plenty of rain and sheep, the boys will feel right at home."

In news from further South, NFS has discovered that Springbok coach Peter de Villiers has picked up on Gatland's plan for cloning players and has taken the process a step further.

"PDV has already made a bunch of clones. They're locked away in the basement of Boland Stadium," and inside source revealed.

"The plan is to have a number of clones of the same player in different positions, that way they'll understand each other perfectly. He's harvested a crop of Danie Rossouws to fill numbers 4 to 7. Four copies of Schalk Brits are supposed to fill the front row and number eight. And a gang of Frans Steyns are there to fill the back-line.

"Unfortunately none of the originals can make the first team, so we can't use 'em yet."

The Springbok management have also come out in defence of the their preparations for this year's internationals.

"I don't know what more we could have done to prepare," spokesman Piet Volsnot told the Newlands National Inquirer .

"When the Pumas came here on holiday, the half-time piña coladas were ice cold. We got Schalk (Burger) a hair cut before the All Blacks game, we've even sent the players on a special course to better understand the terminology of the game.

"Bismarck (du Plessis) is still having some problems with the concept of the 'overlap,' so he never passes out wide, but we're doing the best we can.

"And everyone understands Peter's mandate for 'transformation.' From World Champs to zero at Newlands - now that transforming in anyone's book."

A copy of the PDV Plan for Playing Pleasure has also been leaked, showing he is well prepared to face the rigours of press scrutiny:

When: Starting now, to be completed in a year and a half (might be some bumps on the way).

What: Old school out, new school in.

Where: Rucks - turn overs not needed. Structure - not needed. Own 22 - lots of passing. Opposition 22 - not so much passing.

Who: Everyone - hookers can run like wings too.

Why: TBC

In other news from New Zealand, photo evidence form sources within the All Blacks camp have revealed plan for another new haka. Following on from "Ka Mate," "Kapa o Pango," and the "Hakareina" the All Blacks are now said to be working on "Ringa-ringa-haka-roses," developed especially for their November tour to England.

Players are said to be enjoying the less-aggressive approach to their pre-match dance, but are however a little reluctant to hold hands in public.

Another Kiwi in the news this week is League convert Sonny Bill Williams and has finally been given the green light to play for Toulon.

Williams, a recent graduate from the Bakkies Botha School for Contractual Negotiations , will now play Rugby Union for the French big spenders, much to the delight of club president Mourad Boudjellal.

"Les contracts ne sont pas plus que des morceux de papier. Si tu as assez de fric, tu peux acheter qui tu veux. Ces kangerous ne savent pas comment faire du business, non seulement on a piqué leur jouer, c'est lui qui va payer le note, trop facile!"

(Contracts are very important pieces of paper. That's why our players try gather as many as they can. The fruits of our contractual labours will soon be seen when he plays for his country, and Australia and France too, there are no limits to his potential," Boudjellal told French daily Qui Ecrit Ces Conneries"

By Theboss