News
News from the Far side
September 22 2008
Amid allegations from the All Blacks that a TV film crew spied on New Zealand training sessions and handed footage over to the Wallabies ahead of the Tri-Nations decider in Australia, new evidence has come to light that far more than simple espionage was afoot in Brisbane.
All Blacks assistant coach Steve Hansen said a cameraman infiltrated their security cordon at a closed session on the Friday ahead of the crucial match.
In their unfailing, unwavering, unrelenting, uncompromising, under-rated, undercover and unseen quest to bring you closer to the heart of the rugby world's darkest secrets, the NFS team of crack investigators were soon hot on the tracks of the supposed "spy."
Following numerous clues, including footage from NFS' own hidden cameras, the crack investigating team was led to a garbage bin on the French south coast from whence crumbled bits of paper, containing notes scribbled by the alleged spy, were pulled and pieced together.
The notes are but fragments of what has clearly been a long and detailed surveillance of the All Blacks, and one player in particular. For the first time, and exclusive to NFS, extracts from those notes are revealed below:
Friday, September 12
09h27: Infiltrate All Blacks hotel. (Slip door man a 50)
09h42: Players seen relaxing in hotel amongst friends and family. Some tart is hanging around Dan Cart. He has shaven his legs during the night. (Note to self: check garbage)
10h31: Leon MacDonald is seen wondering around in a daze, wearing a bandage on his head. No one seems to mind, but security personal are vigilant he doesn't fall in the pool.
11h26: Stephen Donald seen sticking pins into strange white doll (?)
11h28: Dan Carter falls to ground clutching knee. The medical team rush to his aid and confirm he is ok. Everyone happy. Donald is spotted sneaking away looking disgruntled (?).
12h32: Players having lunch (Spaghetti and special sauce). Richie McCaw comes in from the side, diving in head first, clearly using his hands on the ground to pick up meatballs.
12h33: Brad Thorn sprinkles rusted nails over his pasta. (Extra magnesium?)
12h43: Jimmy Cowan spotted secretly topping up his drink from a cleverly hidden hip flask. (Note to self: check contents)
......................
14h11:Afternoon training. Infiltrate training session by tunneling below fence and hiding amongst tackle bags.
14h41: Coach has players running defence lines. (Carter's shorts fit really well).
15h55: Training over. Ali Williams gets changed into 'Captain America' costume. Ma'a Nonu offers Rodney So'oialo coloured ribbon for his hair. So'oialo declines, Nonu sulks.
..........................................
19h00: A group of Crusaders players are seen leaving the hotel and head downtown.
19h21: Group of 'Saders enter a small side-street café and sit down. Dan Carter orders blueberry cheesecake, very classy. (Note to self: buy cookbook)
19h28: Group is joined by a man in a yellow track suit. His face is hidden by shadows but the letters "RD" are visible on his top. (Note to self: who could it be? Richard Dreyfuss? McLaren boss Ron Dennis? A Readers Digest fan? Scotland wing Rob Dewey? Bayonne manager Richard Dourthe? Rodney Dangerfield?)
19h31: Mystery man hands over envelope and is given a much larger envelope in return.
19h32: Mystery yellow track suit man disappears into the night. Carter orders Cappuccino (Note to self: learn Italian)
19h45: Players return to hotel.
21h21: Cowan hip flask found, smells strong. (Lighter fluid?)
....................................
Saturday, September 20.
06h20: At airport. Customs official bemused by bag full of DC Jockeys, says he has never heard of Perpignan. (Ignorant peasant).
07h23: Board flight to France.
09h05: Dan Carter enters men's room.
09h09: Inspect men's room. Subject has performed number two (smells like roses).
.............................
Sunday, September 21
09h35: Arrive in France
10h10: Detained by customs. Officials refuse to believe that one person can have eleven Crusaders kits for personal use. Pay fine but miss flight and must catch train. Small price to pay for eternal happiness.
......
15h22: Confrontation with security guard at Aime-Giral Stadium. Blabbers out something in heathen: "Ecoutez ton petit star à l'interet de prendre un peu de muscle. Ici on aime bien un petit bagarre de temps en temps."
15h25: Check phrase book for translation. Seems misleading: "Welcome to our country, complementary fruit baskets and cheese platters are available at reception. The Kiwis are out of season in December."
..............
By the Walrus
If you know who the mysterious RD could be, send NFS a clue and the crack investigators will be on the job double-quick.