News

News from the Far Side

September 29 2008

As usual, the latest breaking rugby news story, hot off the presses, involves starlet Danny Cipriani, whose quick recovery from a career-threatening injury is nothing short of...miraculous.

The latest headline news broke this weekend as sources close to the super-ultra-mega-star have revealed that Cipriani has changed his breakfast routine, preferring Corn Flakes to his usual muesli.

Reports also suggest that he used low-fat skim milk - an indication that he is trying to separate his carbs from his proteins while carbo-loading for his much anticipated comeback against Bath on Wednesday - just over four months since he suffered a fracture dislocation of his right ankle.

Equally newsworthy is Cipriani's oh-so-hot relationship with TV presenter Kelly Brook, with whom he was recently photographed at a London restaurant.

"Brook likes to keep balance in her life. Danny is 20, her previous boyfriend was 42, that makes an average of 31 which shows how mature her taste in men is. At least she was actually born a man, unlike some of his other conquests," said the doorman of the restaurant, whose opinion is vitally important in the world of rugby.

"It's a good thing she keeps him 'occupied' during the day and they go out mainly at night because it gets awfully dark in London when he puts his trousers on," said London sports agent Sonny Outarseshine.

The fantabulistic star's miraculous recovery might actually provide a clue to just how it is that he performs his on-field miracles. Never afraid of digging up the revelations behind rugby's revelations, the NFS team of crack investigators headed into the depths of Camden, where it was suspected the answers might lie.

"The prophesies tell of a Messiah come to slay the Tigers, the Harlot-Quins, the false Saints and Saracens who reign by the evil powers given to them by the Elvs," a soothsayer revealed.

Cipriani's second coming could not be better timed for his London Wasps side, the defending Guinness Premiership champions, who have made their worst ever start to a season since 1987. Three defeats from four games and all is not well at Adams Park congregation.

Wasps boss Ian McGeechan's people are suffering under the tyranny of the oppressors, but soon Cipriani's boot shall liberate them.

"It seems to me that a strong kicking game and a decent chase are enough to win you a match," he said.

"It's sad when you have to ask a team to stop playing the game they usually play. Now I just tell the boys to go out there and bowl outside off-stump."

Former Wasps captain Lawrence Dallaglio has also predicted that Cipriani's return will kick-start the club's season. But his reply when questioned on his thoughts on the soothsayer's prophecies that London's saviour shall bear the mark "D-C" was a little more puzzling.

"Wasps have not entered into any negotiations with Dan Carter, but anything is possible," he told the Gethsemani Gazette.

Wasps events manager Simon Peterpaul said the clubs would pull out all the stops to make the Cipriani's return an event to remember.

"We've ordered special catering. Fish and loaves of bread for at least 500. Peter de Villiers has even lent us his donkey," he said.

Another England fly-half who has recently returned to form, Brive's Leicester import Andy Goode, was equally full of praise for Cipriani and used the opportunity to practise his French.

"Ah, j'en ai ral le bol de ces petits cons. Lui et Wilkinson, il passe plus de temp dans la presse people que sur le terrain. Ils ont besoin tous le deux de se faire couper les cheveaux." (Ah, such a fine you chap. The fruits of his labour are clearly being harvested. What a marvellous ambassador for hair care products!), Goode told Brive local newspaper, Les Rosbifs de Brive.

By the Scarlet Badger