News
News from the Far Side
October 13 2008
Miscommunication is rampant in the world of rugby as Wasps fly-half Danny Cipriani, Springbok flank Luke Watson and the entire Brive team have fallen foul of the complications inherent in languages.
Brive's poor start to the season can be explained by poor communication. Language classes have been arranged for both foreign and local French players to iron out a number of issues that have arisen from the use of a phrase book with some dodgy translations.
The erroneous book has been kept under wraps by club officials, but a NFS operative, risking life and limb, has smuggled a copy out of France by hiding it in a giant camembert and hiking over the Pyrenees under the cover of night.
Brive's coaching team first suspected that their might be a problem when English wing Ben Cohen regularly left training in the middle of a session, only to return an hour later with a bucket of KFC.
Investigations lead to the discovery that in the phrase book's chapter on back-line moves, the phrase "send it out to the wing" was translated as "send him out to pick up some wings."
In the chapter Proper etiquette for front rowers and locks before scrums, the phrase "I'm ready, hold onto my pants" was translated as "I'm ready, stick your hands into my pants and hold on."
With hindsight, Brive's coaches cleared South African lock Vickus Liebenberg and Argentinean prop Pablo Henn of any wrong doing after an internal disciplinary hearing had found them guilty of 'ungentlemanly actions in full view of other gentlemen."
However, according to a NFS secret source, the club's disciplinary committee are reserving judgment on an incident where French full-back Alexis Palisson and Fijian wing Norman Ligairi were caught, "smokkin da bud."
In their defence, the guilty players said they were "just trying to build team spirit" and pointed out that in the phrase book, which they were told to studying diligently, the call to use an up-and-under - "kick it high and we'll get under it" - is translated as "let's get high and kick it."
In South Africa, some less-than-accurate reporting in the press attributed some unflattering quotes to the Springboks' favourite headline maker. Sources close to Luke Watson, have revealed that he didn't want to vomit on his Springbok jersey, he wanted to vomit while in it.
"It's that Suzy woman's fault. She's the worst cook the Springboks have ever had," said Watson's father's lawyer's spokesman's secretary Mrs Herewe Goagain.
"That said, Luke did overdo it a bit. No one can have that much cake and eat it - at least not all in one go."
In England, Wasps and England team-mates Danny Cipriani and Josh Lewsey have scandalously been falsely accused of fighting.
Wires got crossed at the offices of a London newspaper from where it was incorrectly reported that Cipriani had signed a new sponsorship deal with a famous sports brand.
Luckily NFS is here to clear up the mess, because the deal was actually with famous Italian handbag producer Gucci.
"Ah, mais c'est quand que vous allez arreter avec ces conneries, Danny et Josh sont beaucoup trop féminin pour les sac à mains pour hommes,"
(Danny and Josh are so good at throwing their handbags around, they make the perfect models for our new line of man-bags,) said a spokesman for Gucci's Paris offices, Jean-Paul Silliman.