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Lions' Brickbats and bouquets

July 06 2009

It's the end of the Lions tour. The end of a party, the end of an adventure and the end of another of rugby's most treasured events.

With six weeks of fun and frolics behind us, we take a tongue-in-cheek look back on the last seven weeks, rewarding the brilliant and the bumbling in equal measure as we dish out the gongs in the traditional Planet Rugby end-of-tour awards ceremony!

First, the serious...

Player of the series: There are any number of players who put their hands up in patches for this one. Rob Kearney, Simon Shaw and Tom Croft all emerged as major Test players by the end, Stephen Jones was notably consistent throughout and had Tommy Bowe managed to bring his early form to the Test jersey in Durban and Pretoria, he would surely have scooped this. Mike Phillips also deserves a mention for his stirring displays at the base of the scrum (and frequently with his mouth!) But we had to look for consistency throughout, even then coming up with a dead heat. Being as the two combined to form the most potent attacking weapon the Lions had though, we reckon it's about right to hand this one to newbie Jamie Roberts and old hand Brian O'Driscoll.

Try of the series: Shane Williams' second try in the third Test trumps the two efforts from Lee Byrne earlier in the tour. Not the finish particularly, but Riki Flutey's blink-and-you-miss-it flip over the back of his head to set Williams up was individual brilliance of the highest order.

Team performance of the series: Smashing the Lions 74-10 in Johannesburg was, in retrospect, a bit of a false dawn. But let that not detract from a performance mixing clinical finishing with heady brilliance in equal measure.

And then the not so serious...

Tour cult hero among the masses: Despite others grabbing the limelight at the business end, this Irishman remains the only player to have had two supporters' songs dedicated to him. All together now (to the tune of 'Daddy Cool') Tommy...Tommy Bo-oooooowe!

Tour cult hero among the English media: Simon Shaw. Never have so many English journalists been so excited. 'Shawsy's in the pocket!' 'Shawsy's going again!' 'Shawsy's carrying like a dream!' 'That's it Shawsy, go on!'. It bordered on the simpering after a while.

Tommy Mattinson award for silliest face at a key moment: Graham Rowntree's face as De Wet Barry's shoulder hammered into Keith Earls' ribs was worthy of an accolade from the world's finest gurners.

Phoenix From The Flames award: Riki Flutey came from injury and lacklustre form throughout the entire preceding six weeks to deliver an exceptional centre performance in the final Test

The 'Love Actually' award for a sentimental happy ending: Another joint award, split between the Test cap awarded to Simon Shaw after 17 dirt-tracker appearances and the two tries for Shane Williams after such a frustrating spell in past Lions Test sides.

The 'Pit-Bull' award for taking a nickname too far: The similarity between Brian O'Driscolls's 'BOD' moniker and that of the Lord Almighty is less coincidence than clumsy Irish attempt at deification. But it went to the Irishman's head when visiting the Irish embassy early in the tour, as the centre turned round to walk across a covered pool and promptly fell into the water through the tarpaulin.

The British Rail Wrong Snow award for a creative excuse: British Airways' 'Air Force Scrum' plane managed to deliver the Lions a good 45 minutes late into South Africa, not for reasons of bad weather or strong headwinds or simple airport congestion. No, the reason for the delay was that the bags had not been packed the right way in the hold. In the words of Peter de Villiers: come again?

The Naughty Boy award for letting slip: Gethin Jenkins was asked what the team was doing on the opening Wednesday night. He replied that he and a few would probably head down to a bar and watch the Champions League over a few beers, then paused...'Oh boy, don't put that in will you?'

The Boris Johnson award for a strikingly honest answer: Adam Jones was asked where he was when the Lions won in 1997. "Down my rugby club I think," he said. "Having a few underage beers." (Jones would have been 16 at the time)

Best effort from the supporters: We'll leave it up to you to decide. Was it Lions fans drinking two bars in Port Elizabeth dry or drinking Durban airport dry the day after the first Test?

Pinocchio award for the biggest whopper: The story about Andy Powell's hand. We even shook hands with him on the first Wednesday, where the hand was heavily strapped and he told us he had an insect bite. By the Friday, the bite had become bad enough for him to miss the first match, but also disappeared into confusion when Graham Rowntree let slip that he had no idea what was wrong. Powell persisted in his absence for a time before, two weeks later, it was revealed that he had 'a small crush fracture in the bones in his hand'. As Doctor James Robson has said the week prior, it must have been a hell of an insect!

Robespierre, The Sea-green Incorruptible award: Ross Ford confided in us that he had not incurred a single individual fine by day thirty of the tour.

The Bank of England Bail-out Fund award for the most fined: Graham Rowntree apparently incurred so many fines in the first week that 'you could have opened a small bank' in the words of finesmaster Alun-Wyn Jones.

The Stephen Jones award for the most gratuitous piece of Southern Hemisphere baiting all tour: None other than Times journalist Stephen Jones himself, who lolloped past a scribble of local journalists watching the Super 14 Final in Rustenburg and asked in an unnecessarily loud voice: "Has anyone made any actual tackles yet?" The game was nearing the hour mark at the time...

The Tony O'Reilly award for the best old school story: Warren Gatland's little tale of how a number of All Blacks once avoided arrest in Cardiff by standing in the hotel foyer they had damaged and dishing out free kit until the police went away.

The Bill Murray award for dry irony: Graham Rowntree proclaimed thus during the build-up to the first Test: "I am a Leicester man and I have never cheated in my life."

Will Carling award for thinking it was all under control before it went horribly wrong: The Lions fitness coach in Bloemfontein who, as a gymnast, was able to hang himself sideways off a lamp-post. The lamp-post had other ideas, snapping under the strain and landing the fitness coach on the floor with a thud.

Santiago Canizares award for a bizarre injury: Stephen Ferris managed to hyper-extend his calf getting off the team bus.

Award for Withering Sarcasm In The Face Of Media Hassling: Mike Phillips, asked repeatedly if Ronan O'Gara was standing differently to Stephen Jones, eventually caved in and replied "Well, he's got two arms and two legs. So not really."

The Paris Central award for the worst drivers: Durban. Nutters to a man.

The Guy Ritchie Surreal Eating Experience award: The organisers in Durban who had us noshing our pre-match meal in the Sharks' weights-room.

PG Wodehouse award for the most artistic description of an opponent: Alun-Wyn Jones was bracing to square up to the 'Sweet and Sour of Bakkies Botha and Victor Matfield'.

George Clooney/Brad Pitt award for the most bromantic piece of on-field banter: Bakkies Botha's chiding of Mike Phillips' 'sexy blue eyes' was possibly the phrase most likely to have the Welshman running a mile...

The Ladbrokes William Hill Coral award for the most obvious team sweepstake: The six and a half minutes team doctor James Robson took to answer a question about concussion. We don't know who won, but we do hear that it was judged over ten-second segments.

Award for quiet diplomacy at a press conference: The Independent's Chris Hewett, rather than mention the words 'Schalk' 'Burger' or 'gouge', opted for the more neutral: "Ian are you surprised you played against 15 men for the last 70 minutes?"

2009 Lions awards dished out by Danny Stephens