RUGBY WORLD: Who are the jokers in the Glasgow squad?
CHRIS CUSITER: Jon Welsh is one of the funniest people I know. He takes a lot of stick but his comebacks are brilliant. You need to have a quick wit when you’re as big as he is. Ryan Wilson is an amusing man also. He spent one pre-season stealing pairs of pants and then strung them all up across the indoor training track. The boys weren’t happy.
RW: Any practical jokes you can share?
CC: Our kit/rubs/logistics man Dougie ‘Shizz’ Mills is good for the odd gag. His favourite used to be slipping chocolate buttons down your boxers when you were getting a rub so they would melt and you’d think you had soiled yourself. I’ve heard he once did a full back massage using jam, saying it was a new exfoliating cream he was trying out.
RW: Do you have any nicknames?
CC: It’s just Cus. I had a better one when I was at Boroughmuir when I was a student, but I can’t really say it here.
RW: What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard on the pitch?
CC: Playing against the Ospreys when I was at the Borders, our No 8 Ross Beattie was trying to heckle Justin Marshall and kept calling him ‘Marshy’. Marshall said, “I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are, can you stop calling me that?” No comeback to that.
RW: What’s your favourite joke?
CC: Did you hear Jonathan Ross was arrested for stealing kitchen utensils? He said it was a whisk he had to take. One of Jon Welsh’s. Genius.
RW: What are your bugbears?
CC: Unreasonable people – I think they’re called ‘jobsworths’. Infuriating. I’d probably put traffic wardens into that category.
RW: Any phobias?
CC: I hate rodents. They creep me out. I’m a city boy and I’m not cut out for dealing with such things.
RW: Who’d you like to be stuck in a lift with?
CC: All of the Victoria’s Secret girls.
RW: If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?
CC: I’d love to be able to fly. I love travelling and it would take out all the hassle of airports and hanging around.
RW: Who would be your three dream dinner-party guests?
CC: Billy Connolly, perhaps the funniest man alive. Nigella Lawson to cook the food please and (singer) Lana Del Rey.
RW: Do you have any hidden talents or a party trick?
CC: I can play the guitar, badly. Does that count?!
RW: What would be your specialist subject on Mastermind?
CC: My brother would know the answer to this one! Guns N’ Roses. I’ve loved them since I was a kid, still do (the original line-up). I met Slash very briefly at the Classic Rock awards last year and got my photo taken with him. What a night.
RW: What’s your guilty pleasure?
CC: Chocolate. I have to try to keep a lid on my addiction. I’m fine if I don’t have it in the house but if I do, it’s gone. I’m lucky I have this job or else I’d be in trouble.
RW: Who’s the funniest person you follow on Twitter?
CC: A close call between Andrew Cotter, (and comedians)Rob Delaney and Kevin Bridges.
RW: Who’d play you in a film of your life?
CC: I’ve been told by a lot of people that (actor) Shia LaBeouf and I look a lot alike. I can see it, too, but he’d need to put on a few kilos I think.
RW: What would you like to achieve outside of rugby?
CC: A successful transition to the business world and a single-figure handicap. Would a membership to Muirfield be too much to ask for?
RW: How would you like to be remembered?
CC: As someone who fulfilled their potential and who was a kind human being.
This article appeared in the July 2012 issue of Rugby World Magazine.
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