RUGBY WORLD: Who are the jokers in the Glasgow squad?
CHRIS CUSITER: Jon Welsh is one of the funniest people I know. He takes a lot of stick but his comebacks are brilliant. You need to have a quick wit when you’re as big as he is. Ryan Wilson is an amusing man also. He spent one pre-season stealing pairs of pants and then strung them all up across the indoor training track. The boys weren’t happy.
RW: Any practical jokes you can share?
CC: Our kit/rubs/logistics man Dougie ‘Shizz’ Mills is good for the odd gag. His favourite used to be slipping chocolate buttons down your boxers when you were getting a rub so they would melt and you’d think you had soiled yourself. I’ve heard he once did a full-back massage using jam, saying it was a new exfoliating cream he was trying out.
RW: Do you have any nicknames?
CC: It’s just Cus. I had a better one when I was at Boroughmuir when I was a student, but I can’t really say it here.
RW: What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard on the pitch?
CC: Playing against the Ospreys when I was at the Borders, our No 8 Ross Beattie was trying to heckle Justin Marshall and kept calling him ‘Marshy’. Marshall said, “I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are, can you stop calling me that?” No comeback to that.
RW: What’s your favourite joke?
CC: Did you hear Jonathan Ross was arrested for stealing kitchen utensils? He said it was a whisk he had to take. One of Jon Welsh’s. Genius.
RW: What are your bugbears?
CC: Unreasonable people – I think they’re called ‘jobsworths’. Infuriating. I’d probably put traffic wardens into that category.
RW: Any phobias?
CC: I hate rodents. They creep me out. I’m a city boy and I’m not cut out for dealing with such things.
RW: Who’d you like to be stuck in a lift with?
CC: All of the Victoria’s Secret girls.
RW: If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?
CC: I’d love to be able to fly. I love travelling and it would take out all the hassle of airports and hanging around.
RW: Who would be your three dream dinner-party guests?
CC: Billy Connolly, perhaps the funniest man alive. Nigella Lawson to cook the food please and (singer) Lana Del Rey.
RW: Do you have any hidden talents or a party trick?
CC: I can play the guitar, badly. Does that count?!
RW: What would be your specialist subject on Mastermind?
CC: My brother would know the answer to this one! Guns N’ Roses. I’ve loved them since I was a kid, still do (the original line-up). I met Slash very briefly at the Classic Rock awards last year and got my photo taken with him. What a night.
RW: What’s your guilty pleasure?
CC: Chocolate. I have to try to keep a lid on my addiction. I’m fine if I don’t have it in the house but if I do, it’s gone. I’m lucky I have this job or else I’d be in trouble.
RW: Who’s the funniest person you follow on Twitter?
CC: A close call between Andrew Cotter, (and comedians) Rob Delaney and Kevin Bridges.
RW: Who’d play you in a film of your life?
CC: I’ve been told by a lot of people that (actor) Shia LaBeouf and I look a lot alike. I can see it, too, but he’d need to put on a few kilos I think.
RW: What would you like to achieve outside of rugby?
CC: A successful transition to the business world and a single-figure handicap. Would a membership to Muirfield be too much to ask for?
RW: How would you like to be remembered?
CC: As someone who fulfilled their potential and who was a kind human being.
This article appeared in the July 2012 issue of Rugby World.
Recommended videos for you
Would you like to sign up to Rugby World’s excellent weekly email newsletter? Click here.
For Back Issues Contact John Denton Services at 01733-385-170